


Shit Slytherins Say

by pansystan



Series: Shit Slytherins Say [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Not so background, This was meant to be Nottgrass with background Dransy, dated meme use, the Dransy turned out to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 01:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11174058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansystan/pseuds/pansystan
Summary: Exactly what you'd expect from a Slytherin group chat; Draco falls in a pond, melon discourse, and denial by the bucketful.





	Shit Slytherins Say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dorcas_meadowes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorcas_meadowes/gifts).



> Thank you to my Wife [dorcas_meadowes](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dorcas_meadowes) for helping me out w literally all the contact names n hyping this as I legit sent her screenshots of every convo as I wrote them ily!!
> 
> The most appalling spelling and grammar but like, legal, bc it's a texting fic so who even spells right??
> 
> Use of emojis except ao3 doesn't support emojis so they're written in brackets, if you want to read it with emojis it's posted on my [tumblr](http://fortescues.co.vu/post/161928763437).

**Pansy** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** What in the name of merlin did I do last night

 **Astoria** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** Honey what didn’t u do

 **Pansy** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** Someone pls enlighten me, all my shoes r in the shoer

 **Pansy** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** *shower

 **Pansy** to _f **uck bitches get money:**_ I need to wash my hair but

 **Pansy** to _f **uck bitches get money:**_ I cannot move them

 **Daphne** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** lmaoo u pushed draco into the pond

 **Daphne** to _**fuck bitches get money:** _ Hes super pissed at u

 **Pansy** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** Whoops lmao is that why I facetimed him at 5am

 **Pansy** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** Lil bitch didn’t answer

 **Millie** to _**fuck bitches get money:** _ He texted me at 7 that he found a small fish in his ear

 **Millie** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** I’m p sure he was lying

 **Millie** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** But the point stands that he is very mad at u

 **Pansy** to _**fuck bitches get money:** _ Pls it’s just a pond it’s not like I killed his mum

 **Millie** to _**fuck bitches get money:** _ He told me to tell u that his Gucci shoes r ruined and ur buying him new ones

 **Pansy** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** lmao as if I am

 **Pansy** to _**fuck bitches get money:** _ Has anyone heard from tracey ???

 **Pansy** to **_fuck bitches get money:_** Is she even alive

 **Astoria** to _**fuck bitches get money:** _ She texted me like an hour ago ‘imf atill durnk’

 **Pansy** to _**fuck bitches get money:** _ Oh that’s good

 

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ Heard u fell in the pond

 **Draco** to **_satans accomplice:_** Fuck u

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ Rude

 **Draco** to **_satans accomplice:_** U fuckin pushed me in

 **Pansy** to **_dragon boi:_** You have absolutely no proof I did

 **Draco** to **_satans accomplice:_** Blaise filmed it

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ Smug bastard

 

 **Pansy** to _**tall dark and ?? handsome:** _ omg send me the video of draco falling in the pond

 **Blaise** to **_short and vindictive:_** Y’know.. I heard he was pushed

 **Pansy** to **_tall dark and ?? handsome:_** Pushed? Idk her

 **Blaise** to _s **hort and vindictive:**_ Video Attachment

 **Pansy** to _**tall dark and ?? handsome:** _ Have my children

 

 **Draco** to **_satans accomplice:_** You owe me new shoes

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ Draco there r people that are dying

 **Draco** to **_satans accomplice:_** Don’t quote the kardashians ar me u shoe ruining hussy

 

 **Theo** to **_fuck flops:_** I would just like to state

 **Theo** to **_fuck flops:_ ** That anything I may or may not have said alst night is inadmissible in a court of law

 **Tracey** to **_fuck flops:_** Wat??

 **Daphne** to _**fuck flops:** _ She lives!!

 **Blaise** to _**fuck flops:** _ Would u happen to be

 **Blaise** to _**fuck flops:** _ Referring to that thing that u said to me

 **Blaise** to **_fuck flops:_** About

 

 **Theo** to **_blaine:_** Shut ur whore mouth

 

 **Blaise** to **_fuck flops:_** Cantaloupes?

 **Draco** to _**fuck flops:** _ Cantaloupes???

 **Theo** to **_fuck flops:_** Yeah cantaloupes

 **Daphne** to **_fuck flops:_** I thought u hate melon??

 **Theo** to **_fuck flops:_** I lied. Melon is my lifeblood

 **Pansy** to to **_fuck flops:_** Wtf

 **Daphne** to _**fuck flops:** _ Traitor

 **Pansy** to **_fuck flops:_** In This House we Hate Melon

 **Tracey** to _**fuck flops:** _ I like melon

 **Pansy** removed **Tracey** from the group

 **Theo** to **_fuck flops:_** Savagery

 **Pansy** to **_fuck flops:_** Watch out ur nect

 **Pansy** to **_fuck flops:_** Cantaloupe whote

 **Blaise** to _**fuck flops:** _ Whote

 **Pansy** to **_fuck flops:_** Watch ur tone

 **Astoria** added **Tracey** to the group

 **Tracey** to **_fuck flops:_** Melon is the grossest

 **Pansy** named the group **_kill the cantaloupes_**

 

* * *

 

 

 **Theo** to _**greenAss:**  _Are you coming to class today?

 **Astoria** to _**Nott** **Cool:** _ As if I would miss it

 **Theo** to **_greenAss:_** You didn’t come last week

 **Theo** to _**greenAss:** _ Or the week before

 **Daphne** to **_Nott Cool:_** Special circumstances

 **Theo** to _**greenAss:** _ You went shopping

 **Daphne** to _**Nott Cool:** _ It was important

 **Daphne** to _**Nott Cool:** _ I needed shoes

 **Theo** to _**greenAss:** _ You have a whole closet of shoes?

 **Daphne** to **_Nott Cool:_** Nott physically but emotionally

 **Theo** to _**greenAss:** _ Oh of course, I get you now

 **Theo** to _**greenAss:**_ So ur coming??

 **Daphne** to **_Nott Cool:_** Ya On my way!

 **Theo** to **_greenAss:_** Okay nerd chill out

 **Daphne** to **_Nott Cool:_** Autocorrect ffs

 

 **Theo** to **_blaine:_** Help she’s coming to class today

 **Blaise** to _**TheHo:** _ Bro chill tf out you two are friends

 **Blaise** to **_TheHo:_** You literally have this class together every week

 **Theo** to _**blaine:** _ Yeah, but we haven’t been alone together since the other week

 **Blaise** to **_TheHo:_** It’s nott like she knows

 **Theo** to **_blaine:_** Doesn’t she? ? Aren’t girls psychic or something

 **Blaise** to _**TheHo:** _ You’re beyond help

 **Theo** to **_blaine:_** Fuck you.

 **Blaise** to **_TheHo:_** How would Daphne feel?

 

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_ ** So you know how

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_** Draco has a crazy embarrassing crush on you

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_** And you’re like

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_ ** Completely obsessed w him but u think ur lowkey?

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_ ** That’s like how Theo n Daph are

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_ ** Ya feel?

 

 **Daphne** to **_Nott Cool:_** I don’t get it

 **Theo** to **_greenAss:_** I’m literally right next to you..

 **Daphne** to **_Nott Cool:_** God forbid we talk in class

 **Theo** to **_greenAss:_** We are talking

 **Daphne** to _**Nott Cool:** _ We’re texting

 **Theo** to _**greenAss:** _ Okay smartass

 **Daphne** to **_Nott Cool:_** That’s me

 **Theo** to **_greenAss:_** Oh, guess you don’t need me to explain what she’s talking about then?

 **Daphne** to _**Nott Cool:** _ No wait!! Come back !!!

 **Theo** to **_greenAss:_** Still right next to you

 **Daphne** to **_Nott Cool:_** :)

 

 **Pansy** to _**daphne 2.0:** _ what The fuck.?

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_** You didn’t know Theo and Daphne liked each other??

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_** Are you blind?

 **Pansy** to **_daphne 2.0:_** I wish, at least then I wouldn’t have to read ur stupid ass messages

 **Pansy** to **_daphne 2.0:_** I would agree w ur insight if it weren’t completely flawed in the fact that Draco does not have a crush on me

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_ ** Didn’t deny yours on him :)

 **Pansy** to **_daphne 2.0:_** Come back when you have a brain and we’ll discuss this further

 **Astoria** to **_pansie:_ ** This being..? You and Draco or Daph and Thee?

 **Pansy** to **_daphne 2.0:_** I’ve hired hit men. They’re on their way

 **Pansy** to _**daphne 2.0:** _ I wish I could say it was nice knowing you

 

* * *

 

 

 **Draco** to **_satans accomplice:_** We still on for tonight?

 **Pansy** to **_dragon boi:_** Oh I can’t tonight, I have an essay due. Raincheck?

 **Draco** to _**satans accomplice:** _ Since when did you actually turn in work?

 **Pansy** to **_dragon boi:_** Haha, sorry! It’s like half my grade!

 

 **Draco** to **_blaze [fire emoji]:_ ** Look what pansy just said to me

 **Draco** to **_blaze [fire emoji]:_** Image Attachment

 **Draco** to **_blaze [fire emoji]:_ ** She’s being weird right? I’m not imagining it

 **Blaise** to **_DracHoe:_** Oooh boy, punctuation and everything!! What did you do?

 **Draco** to **_blaze [fire emoji]:_ ** Nothing!! She just started being rlly strange w me

 **Draco** to **_blaze [fire emoji]:_ ** Since when did she take a raincheck on downton???

 

 **Pansy** to **_astoria 2.0:_** Daph

 **Pansy** to **_astoria 2.0:_** Daph

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ Daph

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ Daph

 **Daphne** to **_pants:_** Pans wtf I’m just trying to mind my own business

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ Ur little sister

 **Pansy** to **_astoria 2.0:_** I s2g she’s fucking w me on purpose

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ I just had the most awkward convo w Draco

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ Did he confess his feelings for you?

 **Daphne** to **_pants:_** I woulda thought he’d at least do it in person

 **Pansy** to **_astoria 2.0:_** Daph fuck off

 **Pansy** to **_astoria 2.0:_** I swear this is a conspiracy

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ I’m seriously

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ Tori told me Draco likes me which is obv a lie but now idk what to say to him???

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ Pans idk if you’re blind, stubborn or just actually idiotic but that boy has been head over heels for you since we were in 9th grade

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ What?

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ Girl

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ You’re beyond help

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ Says you

 **Daphne** to **_pants:_**???

 **Pansy** to **_astoria 2.0:_** I’ll get my act together when you and theo do

 **Daphne** to **_pants:_** What about me and Theo?

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:** _ You Know

 

* * *

 

 

 **Draco** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ Guys we haven’t all hung out in a week

 **Draco** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ I’m starting to forget what you all look like

 **Draco** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ Blaise you’re white right??

 **Pansy** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ Some of us are studying

 **Pansy** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ Finals are soon

 **Draco** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ Who?? You wouldn’t know studying if it gave you a lap dance

 **Pansy** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ [eye rolling emojis]

 **Daphne** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ Draco’s right tho

 **Daphne** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ I miss u all

 **Theo** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ Aw we miss you too Daph

 **Blaise** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ [eye emojis]

 **Millie**  to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _????

 **Astoria** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ I want burgers

 **Tracey**  to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ plural?

 **Astoria** to _**kill the cantaloupes:** _ Did I fucking stutter?

 

* * *

 

 

 **Draco** to _**satans accomplice:** _ Pans wtf is going on?

 **Draco** to _**satans accomplice:** _ Are you mad at me?

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ No, why?

 **Draco** to _**satans accomplice:** _ We haven’t spoken outside the group chat in over a week and you pretty much ignored me at dinner the other day

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ No I didn’t

 **Draco** to _**satans accomplice:** _ You did! What’s going on??

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ Nothing

 **Draco** to _**satans accomplice:** _ I’m coming to your room

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ I’m not in

 **Draco** to _**satans accomplice:** _ You posted on your sc story 3 minutes ago

 **Pansy** to _**dragon boi:** _ Stalker

 

* * *

 

 

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ Are you and Draco holding hands under the table??

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:**_ No

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ You moved your hand to text me..

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:**_ Maybe

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ B I T C H !!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:**_ Nothing

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ Fucking. Spill

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:**_ He called me out for bein awkward af w him

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ Bc I didn’t know what to do when I found out he liked me

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ I recall. Vividly.

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:**_ And he came to my room and was like ‘whats going on?? Why are you being so weird?’

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ N I like skirted around it but eventually I was like Tori told me you like me and idk what to do??

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:**_ And he got kinda?? Angry?? Like not angry but he was like ‘why is that such a big deal??’

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ And I was like….. It’s not?? I just? Didn’t know if it was true

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ And then he was like, I’ve been in love w you since we were 13

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ Aw!!! Aw !!! Awwwwww !!!!!

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:**_ Lmao don’t tell anyone he’d kill me for #Exposing him

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ No he wouldn’t, he looooves you

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ And I was like …….

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ Then he was like ‘Okay.’ Really slowly and started to leave

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ And I was like ‘wait! I guess.. I love you too’

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ ‘I guess’ im FUCKINF [crying laughing emoji]

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:**_ [blushing smile emoji]

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ Honestly though

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ I swear im stunted emotionally

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ But it worked out

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ Hence the hand holding under the table

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so happy for you !!

 **Pansy** to _**astoria 2.0:**_ I kept up my half of the deal

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ Huh???

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ I said I’d sort myself out if you and Theo did

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ That’s different

 **Pansy** to _**astoria** **2.0:** _ Name 12 of their songs

 **Daphne** to _**pants:** _ [eye rolling emojis]

 

 **Pansy**  to  ** _dragon boi [red heart emoji]:_** I told Daph

 **Draco**  to  ** _satans accomplice [black heart emoji]:_** I know I literally read the entire conversation over your shoulder

 **Pansy**  to  ** _dragon boi [red heart emoji]:_** Stalker

 **Draco**  to  ** _satans accomplice [black heart emoji]:_** You love it

 **Pansy**  to  ** _dragon boi [red heart emoji]:_** You love me

 **Draco**  to  ** _satans accomplice [black heart emoji]:_** Shut up

 **Pansy**  to  ** _dragon boi [red heart emoji]:_** [red heart emoji]

 

* * *

 

 

 **Daphne**  to  ** _pants:_** Consider the deal kept

 **Pansy**  to  ** _astoria_** _**2.0:**  _Daphne what the fuck

 **Pansy**  to  ** _astoria_** _**2.0:**  _Where are you?? I lost you at like midnight?? Smh.. white girls

 **Daphne**  to  ** _pants:_** I’m .. a t theos

 **Pansy**  to  ** _astoria_** _**2.0:**  _WHAT

 **Daphne**  to  ** _pants:_** In his bed……..

 **Pansy**  to  ** _astoria_** _**2.0:**  _WHAT X2

 **Pansy**  to  ** _astoria_** _**2.0:**  _THAT WASN’T EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT

 **Daphne**  to  ** _pants:_** :) shit happens

 **Pansy**  to  ** _astoria_** _**2.0:**  _I’m so done w u

 **Daphne**  to  ** _pants:_** U told me to

 **Pansy**  to  ** _astoria_** _**2.0:**  _[eye rolling emojis]

 


End file.
